Category: Dr. Clara Akpami

There is no soul living that does not feel pain but as long as you are living there is hope. To experience a breakthrough you have to go through the birth of pain. There is no delivery without pain.
We are partakers of Christ's suffering.
The work of the Lord is not painless. It is not a strange thing to feel pain doing God's work. There is always a glory ahead of suffering.
You have to go through stress to gain promotion. Delivery is a process that must be completed regardless of the pain. In ministry when you are trying to give up, you are dying.

I pray that you overcome the situation of pain with success.

In your season of pain, be happy that you are a partaker because there is always time for joy. The affliction you are going through is temporal. Don't see it as a strange thing, it is common to man.

Don't be ashamed of experiencing pain doing God's work.
2 Cor 11:22-33

Don't give up no matter the intensity of the pain, ENDURE IT.
As a leader, Headship is Hardship.
Proverbs 17:3
When you are going through pain, God is trying your heart. The period of trial is usually painful but when you pass the test, there is a reward for you. Jeremiah 17:10, James 1:2-3
There are virtues produced during testing times. When you remain strong in temptations and trials, it is a proof of the genuineness of your faith.

The testing of your faith produces endurance.

CAUSES OF PAIN
1) Lack of knowledge of God's plan and deviation from His plan. Esther 1:12-20
➖ Every form of distortion of God's plan would bring pain.
2)The leadership role you are playing. If you are not hurting you are not leading.
3) Carrying the burden of the people you lead.
4) If you are a lazy leader you inflict and multiply the obstacles in your life.
5) The experiences you go through.

HOW TO HANDLE YOUR PAIN
1) Through prayer
2) Discipline

The word Mentor is defined as “ a wise and trusted Counsellor or teacher”. God initiated mentoring to ensure that the baton of faith in the Lord Jesus is been transferred from one generation to the other,

Deut. 6:1-9,
“Now these are the commandments, the statutes, and the judgments, which the LORD your God commanded to teach you, that ye might do them in the land whither ye go to possess it: That thou mightiest fear the LORD thy God, to keep all his statutes and his commandments, which I command
thee, thou, and thy son, and thy son's son, all the days of thy life; and that thy days may be prolonged.
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD: And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.
And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates”.

Parents should mentor their children to fear and honor God and walk in line with His word. These children that are taught should also teach their own children God’s word and positively influence their lives enough to transfer same to the next generation after them until Jesus comes. May the baton not
stop with you without passing it on .

It is marriage that brings a couple together before the pursuance of a ministry. Your Marriage is a priority because until it works before you can successfully carry out ministry together. Your spouse is your covenant partner and your companion for life and so it behooves you to do what covenant
partners and companions do together.

WHAT COVENANT PARTNERS DO :
1) Discuss issues that have to do with them with the home without secrecy. Nothing to hide, openness and transparent, Gen 2:25
2) Take major decisions together. Two are better than one, Eccl 4:9-12.
3) Work together to achieve their dreams and visions
4) Each will contribute resources and skills towards the success of their dream
5) Keep the covenant or agreement both made except both agree together to break it, Eze 17:15 ; Mal 2:14-15
6) Both are agreeable. Can two walk together, unless they are agreed, Amos 3:3.
7) They bond as they relate physically and spiritually.
8) They both own and manage the Ministry because both are one, the husband being the head. What God has joined together let no man ( Ministry) put asunder, Gen 2:23-24. A lady General Overseer may be the spiritual head in the Church but in the home, she submits to the authority of her husband. If she submits to him at home and respects him in church, he will cooperate with her to fulfill her Ministry.
9) They are best friends who are committed to each other and to the ministry, Eccl 4:9, Two are better than one. Because they have a good reward for their labor.
10) A partner perseveres, endures, bears, sticks to the partner in time of challenges. This is why two are better than one because if one fall or fail, the other will lift up the fallen or failed companion. So, as a partner, your role is to lift your partner when he is down,but woe to him who is alone, Eccl 4:10.

POSSIBLE CAUSES OF SECRECY :
1) Feels intimidated by the comments you make when he talks to you about the ministry.
2) Afraid that if he says something wrong he will be blasted for it.
3) Fear of failure
4) When faced with constant criticism, prefers to keep to himself than open up, Prov 27:16.

Dr Willard F. Harley says," Many men are emotionally exhausted and feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism",
5) Most men do everything possible to avoid confrontation.
6) Keeps to himself in order to avoid conflict
7) If he is not allowed to be in charge while the wife follows.
8) When you keep putting blame on him for the bad and negative results as a result of his poor judgments while you take credit for the good that has happened as a result of your positive roles.
9) If he doesn't trust your judgment, probably your previous decisions did not yield positive outcome.
10) Jay Kaster, from the book, Family Forum says," I think there's a great difference between a husband not wanting to talk about work and a husband simply not wanting to talk to his wife. So many men feel a need for escape from their jobs when they come home in the evening. They're tense, tired, and what they look for is an entirely opposite environment. To even think about the office brings back the tension". So, your husband may not be interested in talking about his office as soon as he comes back home, discover what interest him that he wouldn't mind talking about. After he is much rested and relaxed, ask him how was his day in the office.

HOW TO RESOLVE SECRECY ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE MINISTRY:

1) Talk to God about your concern. The Holy Spirit will reveal to you that which is hidden.
2) Speak to your spouse about it respectfully without nagging.
3) Review how you have been communicating with him about the ministry and his pastors or workers. Do you castigate the people working for him behind him to have discouraged them?
4) Show interest in whatever he does in ministry and allow yourself to be carried along.
5) Make sacrifices for his vision. Labor and contribute to its growth.
6) Come up with innovative ideas that will promote the ministry.
7) Make constructive criticism rather than destructive criticism that pulls down morale. Instead of saying what behavior you don't like, rather ask if he will be prepared to do something different.
8) Ask reasonable questions that will give you the information you need, 1Kings 21: 5-7. " But Jezebel his wife came to him, and said to him, why is your spirit so sullen that you eat no food. He said to her, Because I spoke to Naboth the Jezreelite, and said to him, give me your vineyard for money;
or else, if it pleases you, I will give you another vineyard for it. And he answered, I will not give you my vineyard. Then Jezebel his wife said to him, you now exercise authority over Isreal ! Arise, eat food, and let your heart be cheerful; I will give you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite".

Be discerning , that is, be able to detect with your spirit and mind that some things are happening that you have not been informed. Then ask questions that will link you to the secret. Why are you moody? Why have you not been eating, you look disturbed, what is happening? I saw you talking with with some people, hope it is well and what happened? I realized you no longer call me to attend leaders meeting in the church, what have I done wrong for you to have kept me out of it or can you tell me why you didn't include me?
Your silence will not help matters. Prov 15:23 says, A word spoken in due season, how good it is. Prov 15:1-2, "A soft answer turns away wrath. But a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly. But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness". Ask questions that will not stir up anger.
9)Develop a sense of good judgement so that your contributions will be worth listening to and given attention.
10)Romantically appeal to him ( Emotional or passionate appeal ) to unveil the secrecy like Delilah did to Samson. If Delilah played a negative role to unveil Samson's secret, you can play a positive role to unveil your spouse's secrecy with the motive of helping him to succeed in life and Ministry. Demonstrate feelings of love.

Judges 16:5-17
Lessons to pick :
i) Delilah was told by the Philistines to entice him in a love affair and then ask him for the secret of his strength , Judges 16:5.
ii) She pleaded with Samson by saying, please. The word 'Please' is a magic word that is compelling. Verse 10
iii) She no longer pleaded but exercised her right as his lover to make a demand on him. She was assertive or bold without been aggressive. She didn't exhibit fear nor timidity. She knew that only a lover has such a capacity to accommodate a statement of assertion from the partner, Verse 13.
iv) She became emotional about it, " How can you say I love you when your heart is not with me", verse 15 ( CEVUK),
Samson, Delilah said, you claim to love me, but you don't mean it! .
v) She pestered him, pressured him with her words daily and still pleaded with him . ( Her nagging was overwhelmed with love affair and not with fight and negative attitude).
Judges 16: 16, Contemporary English Version UK reads, " Delilah started nagging and pestering him day after day, until he couldn't stand it any longer". He couldn't stand the passion at which she was communicating her desire. The passion overwhelmed the danger he was going to face for revealing the secret of his strength .

Nagging is defined as, " To repeatedly remind or complain to someone in an annoying way, often about insignificant matters". Men naturally do not like their wives to nag. Someone like my husband will want me to tell him something once and not talk to him about it again because, according to him, he has heard and will act without me repeating it. Women also naturally like to keep repeating issues as a form of reminder not necessarily with the intention of annoying their husbands but because they want to see an action in response to their demand. The bible describes a nagging wife as a quarrelsome and angry woman, Prov. 21:9, 19; 27:15-16.

Prov 21:9," Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman".That is a nagging woman.
Of course Delilah was wise enough to nag without been angry and quarrelsome even after Samson deceived her three times, she was calm with an overwhelming emotional expression of love that could put him to sleep on her lap. Her nagging did not take Samson to the corner of the housetops nor take him to wilderness but took him to her lap! It was on her lap she got the secret and not at the corner of their house top. She got the secret she needed because she persisted.
vi) Finally, Samson told her the truth . He told her all his heart. " I have belonged to God ever since I was born, so my hair has never been cut. If it were ever cut off, my strength would leave me, and I would be as weak as anyone else". Verse 17
vii) Delilah could discern from his speech that Samson had finally told her the truth. She was able to influence him emotionally to speak out his secret, Verse 18

You can spiritually influence your husband through your prayers as you talk to God about his secrecy which you are not comfortable about. It is what you ask God for that He will give you.

You can also emotionally touch his heart in submission to his authority and gentleness of heart through your speech and actions. You can see the emotional attachment in Verse 19,(ERV), " Delilah got Samson to sleep with his head lying in her lap ". Delilah lulled him to sleep. She made Samson to sleep on her laps. Am sure if she was fighting him it wouldn't have been possible, if she had refused to cook for him she wouldn't have been bold enough to come close to him, if she had denied him love and sex he wouldn't have slept with his head on her lap. She was up to the task!
May your wisdom surpass Delilah's own in a positive direction in Jesus name.

The family relationship is important to God. The home and family is God’s idea and plan. To succeed, you need to know what is on His mind about family relationship so you can walk in line with His Will purpose.
It is important that you know God's expectations for you so that you can carry your family along and live up to those expectations. If you must maintain the glory of your call, carry your family along.
Amplified
² Now an overseer must be blameless and beyond reproach, the husband of one wife, self-controlled, sensible, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 

³ not addicted to wine, not ^[b]a bully nor quick-tempered and hot-headed, but gentle and considerate, free from the love of money [not greedy for wealth and its inherent power—financially ethical]. 

⁴ He must manage his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity [keeping them respectful and well-behaved] 

⁵ (for if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?). 

⁶ and He must not be a new convert, so that he will not [behave stupidly and] become conceited [by appointment to this high office] and fall into the [same] condemnation incurred by the devil [for his arrogance and pride]. 

⁷ And he must have a good reputation and be well thought of by those outside the church, so that he will not be discredited and fall into the devil’s trap.

Eccles 10:1,
A few dead flies will make even the best perfume stink. In the same way, a little foolishness can ruin much wisdom and honor.

What you fail to do in your home has a negative effect in your home and the Church. Whatever you do that results in reproach is an act of foolishness because it tend to spoil what you have spent years to build.
1Tim 3:1-7.

How to carry your family along :
Be at peace with members of your family and do not abuse or maltreat them.

Prov 11:29, msg,” Exploit or abuse your family, and end up with a fistful of air”.
When you treat your family unfairly, maltreat or hurt physically, emotionally with abusive language or insulting speech and sexual abuse, you end up with a behavior that shows you are insincere, hypocritical, double -tonged and double- faced. It will be difficult to carry along people that are hurting
in your home.
Prov. 12:18, “ There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing”.

Prov. 15:4, “ A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit”. Psa.34:14,” Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it”. Rom. 14:19; Heb. 12:14.
*** Fathers, Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged”. Col. 3:21
Always check if your actions and decisions are hurting members of your family. A quote says, “ The tongue has no bones, but it is strong enough to break a heart”. Come into God’s presence with your family members. Do family prayer altar and go to church together.
Do not leave them behind , as long as they are under your roof, you still have the authority to decide where they worship. Carry them along to serve God together. Give them transport fare to attend sub group meetings. What if when God instructed that Noah should come into the ark with his family
members he is not able to carry them along because they have the right to be where they want to be?
God knew that his children believe him, trusted his decisions and obedient to his authority. Even his married children could be carried along.

Gen. 7:1“ Then the Lord said to Noah, come into the ark, you and all your household, because I have seen that you are righteous before me in this generation “.
Col. 3:20, “ Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord”. So, your children should know that their obedience to your instructions and authority pleases God.

Make spiritual decisions that includes your family members. Don’t be selfish. Anytime you have an opportunity to affirm, maintain, pronounce and testify of your commitment, include your family members. Put them in your spiritual womb, be their spiritual incubator. Be like a mother kangaroo who
put her babies ( joey) in a guided comfy pouch. Keep them in your spiritual loins. Include them in your prayers when you have the opportunity to do so.
Joshua 24:15
“ And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”.

You should be able to decide whom your family members should serve - The Most High God , and decide for your family where to serve God. If Joshua was not in charge, he would have just spoken for himself without including his family members.

Rule your household well
1Tim. 3:4-5 ( Amp)
“ He must rule his own household well , keeping his children under control, with true dignity, commanding their respect in every way and keeping them respectful. If a man does not know how to rule his own household, how is he to take care of the church of God?”
HOW SHOULD YOU RULE YOUR HOUSEHOLD WELL?
Give direction through the instructions you give. Don’t be quiet as a man. Be in charge. When you create a vacuum, your wife takes over just to fill up the vacuum. Don’t say your wife is domineering or has taken over. If you are in charge, she will not be in charge.
Integrate your wife’s vision into yours.
Teach them God’s word, Pray with them especially on personal challenges. Let them be able to confide in you and seek counsel from you.
Bond with members of your family so that you can gain their interest to work with you. Chat with them, play with them, love them and demonstrate the love, give them the best education as you can afford, clothe them, provide for their necessities spiritually, morally, academically, socially and physically.
Build and maintain a strong communication system in the home. Express your personal goals so they can pray along .
Understand their feelings and experiences. Express your concern and Help where necessary. Understand your wife, be considerate, give her credit or praise for all she does, 1Pt. 3:7; Prov. 31:28-31.
* Your family members should see Jesus in you. Your salvation gives them the assurance that you are follow-able, that they are save following your leading. Be a man of integrity, be truthful and disciplined. I have heard a pastor's wife saying she was not sure if her husband was born again.
* You must be a visionary leader. Don't lead them blindly. You should be able to consistently tell them what God is saying and leading you to do. Be decisive, show stability. Your consistency makes room for growth . Not that today you call yourself Evangelist, next week you become a Resident pastor then after one year, you become an itinerant preacher without a base, you make your family to suffer for it.
*Let your voice be heard strongly in the home. Give direction through godly teachings, instructions and discipline. They will follow your voice, Jn 10:8.  All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers but the sheep did not hear them.
* Raise an altar in your home through family devotion where you learn God's word and allow God meet with the family to release His blessings. Make room for them to also lead devotion in turns and to lead prayers.

* Pray with them and pray for individual especially on areas of challenge. Pray for their spiritual lives, studies and personal challenges.

*Bond with the members of your family so that you can gain their interest to work with you. Talk to them about what you do. My husband tells me what he does and seek for my input.
*Provide for their necessities Spiritually, morally, academically, socially and physical requirements. Some children don't seem to understand the sacrifices their parents go through in ministry, they should be educated and taught contentment.
Don’t be greedy at home and generous outside the home . Be generous both to your family and outsiders. Prov.(NIV) 15:27, “ A greedy man brings trouble to his family, but he who hates bribes will live”.
*Understand their feelings and experiences then help them where possible. Be responsible in the home and attend to areas of need, don't exhibit, I don't care attitude. Assist your wife and let the children see that you love their mother.
* Build and maintain a strong communication system in the home. Express your personal and family goals and ask for their input. Communicate love through your actions at home and not through your preaching alone. Let them see at home, the practical application of what you teach in Church.
* Do not leave your wife in the dark concerning Church matters, give her opportunities to privately ask you questions and not in the public. Let it not be seen that she is challenging your decisions publicly. Don’t hide what you do in the ministry from her, discuss with her and seek for her input.
5. Bring your family members under control and correct them when they are going wrong. Don’t pretend not to see their wrong, rebuke, correct, and put an eye on them,
1Sam. 3:11-14 (ERV)
“ The Lord said to Samuel, I will do some things in Israel that will shock everyone who hears about them, I will do everything I said I would do against Eli, I would punish his family forever. I will do this because Eli knew his sons were saying and doing bad things, but he failed to control them. That is why I swore an oath that sacrifices will never take the sins of the people in Eli’s family”

Make God proud of your ability to control and carry your family along, Gen. 18:19 God proudly said of Abraham, “ I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgement.”

Titus 1:6-7 Amplified Bible (AMP)
“ namely, a man of unquestionable integrity, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of being immoral or rebellious. For the [a]overseer, as God’s steward, must be blameless, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not violent, not greedy for dishonest gain [but financially ethical]”.

In conclusion,

Amos 3:3
“ Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”  Receive the wisdom to be agreeable and be able to walk together with your family members in Jesus
name.

Song of Solomon 1:6,
“ They made me a keeper of the vineyard, but my own vineyard have I not kept”.
6 “Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I had to neglect”.
Oh God, help me and grant me the grace not to neglect my family but to take care of them and carry them along in Jesus name.